For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just found puke in my bra..
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
