On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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