Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
