Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Who died my cat blue again?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
