: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
