Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
