i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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