Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
