he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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