i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
