you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
