Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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