Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Hippo gnu deer
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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