so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
