If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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