Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
