how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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