Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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