I must be too annoying 4 u.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
