Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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