This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
