cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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