You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
