I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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