dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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