Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
he thought i was a dude.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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