I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
i think my cat just said my name.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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