he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
