The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
