I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
