Betty ford says i'm here all night
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
