I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Randomize
