If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
