He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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