The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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