i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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