He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
