I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
