I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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