My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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