Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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