Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Randomize
