oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Randomize
