I think im going to throw up on grandma
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
