Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
