im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
