Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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