Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
