I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
