hotel room ftw
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
