bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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