You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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