Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
