Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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