If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
