Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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