I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
