just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I stole a fireplace last night.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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