If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I AM VODKA MAN
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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