I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
