Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
We are two peas in an std pod
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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