burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
